I still hold your hand in mine
by Majani
Summary: You love each other. You want to be together. But what happens when you grow up in a homophobian society and your dad is the head of the "against"-organisation? Shortstory. Joynter. Tragic.


_Disclaimer:_ Any possibilty to buy Mcfly on ebay? amazon? - No, so no owning. Mcfly own themselves. Egoists...

_Warning:_ Slash, male x male love, losing beloved persons, bad langugae

_Pairing:_ Joynter - Danny and Dougie, hell yeah, I used to love to couple them lol

A/N: Aaah... one of my saddest stories. Written for a contest - so it's a standalone and fully complete. A bunch of Drama in three thousand words :D I think there was no genre given, maybe drama. But there were some quotes!

1. **"I'm sorry if I slagged you down****. ****I meant no harm" **(Busted - Meet you there)**  
**

2. "**I hate what you're putting me through**"

3. **"Remember me and smile. For it's better to forget, than to remember me and cry"** (The Cure - Treasure) (The title is from Goodbye my lover - James Blut)

Take a second... what would YOU write with such quotes. and the genre DRAMA. Hm hm hm... any idea? Well, here goes mine ;)

* * *

_( Don't forget the tissues lol)_

The school bell rang. I laid back to relax a little, before packing my things and getting up. My eyes scanned the classroom and stopped at my friend in the doorframe.

"Hey, Doug. What you're waiting for? Let's go home!" He smiled so brightly at me, I couldn't help but respond it in a little smirk. As I passed him, he laid an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a half hug.

"Danny. Please, not here", I mumbled and escaped. He sighed theatrically before following me. The pupils passed us by as we laughed about random things. I tried to ignore the feeling of being watched.

We left the school building as I suddenly felt Danny's fingers grabbing mine. For a second I let it happen, enjoying the feeling of his strong, caring hands. In the next I pulled back again, hissing: "Danny! Why don't you get it? Not in public!"

I could swear all eyes were stuck on us, knowing the truth, talking about it. The fear made my stomach rumble.

"I don't care about them! Doug, I wanna kiss you! Right now!" He answered huskily and pulled me nearer. Two girls stopped in their gossping and started to whisper while pointing at us.

They knew it. They would tell about it. We would end in prison!

I totally panicked and slammed him back, so he fell to the ground. As he lay there, looking up in confusion and disbelief, I wanted to tell him so much, but my tongue didn't want to work. I swallowed it all and kept on going home, knowing he would follow me in the distance.

I wanted nothing more than to take his hand, hug and kiss him wherever I wanted to. But this was impossible for us.

--

Since I started to be able to remember I had known Danny Jones. He was one of my neighbourhood friends, but as all the other's started to move away, he stayed and we built up a great friendship.

We grew up in a little town, where everybody knew everything about the other. There were hardly any cases of crime. People seemed to be annoyed by the non-happening and looked for scandals themselves. As a result they started to work against homosexuality like the president always had recommended.

For boys which turned out to be a gay couple, the police easily found a reason to arrest or fight them. The homophony was in the bones of each human being in the town.

The top of the homophony was formed by Danny's father, who tried to assert reforms against gay people. He was also the chief of a secret movement, which sometimes went out at night, burglarised or burned the house of those.

Danny was the one of four sons and always in trouble with his siblings or his father. So it was no surprise he spent most of the time with me and my family. Sometimes he stayed for days but nobody from his home seemed to care.

I never understood the whole riot about gay guys, but it has always been in my life. The big brother of a friend was gay and as he got into prison, the press spoke about drugs and alcohol abuse, but now I knew it was because of his sexuality.

It never affected on me or Danny, until one day I found myself feeling comfortable in his arms. Feeling so good to be touched by him. Butterflies tortured me as I longed for one single kiss from him.

I was so shocked by it and the consequences I knew it would bring, I started to date a girl from my class to oppress any kind of rumours and probably to blind myself. Danny understood and started to spent less time with me. As a result he was a lot of time at home, being mobbed and teased by his bigger siblings and father.

I watched him loosing his smile and his good mood and lost with it a big part of myself. As I realised I needed Danny's happiness to be happy myself, I quite with the stupid girl and hung out with him again.

It was just a matter of time until I gave in to my feelings. It was all so easy. There was nothing to worry about. We just came together and were happy with it.

It would have been so sweet… if there hasn't been society.

--

I arrived at home and wanted to disappear as soon as I could, but Danny was faster.

"Doug, come! Come! We need to talk", He grabbed my arm, looked deep into my eyes, before he pulled me into the garden into our old tree house. My **cat** slept in our bed and protested as he threw me into the pillows.

Somehow I was turned on by his anger.

"So you think it's a shame to kiss in public, don't you?" He bursted out. "But DO YOU know how ashamed I am when you PUNSH me in public?? Do you really think it's less embarrassing??"

I gulped and tried to stay brave. So uncomplicated it was to live with Danny, so hard it was when he was angry or sad. It always made me cry and feel like the last and biggest selfish idiot on this earth.

But it wasn't my character to give in or admit my mistake.

"You deserved it", I hissed snotty as I was. His mouth went open and I expected another wave of his hurt feelings.

But it missed out. He resigned and just fell down on his butt to hide his head in his arms.

"I hate this part of you so much, Doug. I hate how you let me down. **I hate what you're putting me through**. I hate it so much", His voice lowered as it got nearly soundless. "Why don't you understand I love you so much, I wanna show everybody?"

"Danny, you know it's not possible", I murmured and longed to comfort him until the sad look would disappear from his face.

He read my mind as always, crawled into my arms and rested his head on my chest. The anger was gone within seconds.

"I want it to be possible, Doug. You know you're my everything and I want the whole world to see it", I absorbed his scent, caressed his cheeks to stroke his messy, curly hair. I felt so much for him, sometimes it was unbearable to hold the emotions back.

"I'm sorry **I slagged you down**… you know, **I meant no harm**", I whispered into his ears and kissed his forehead. In the shelter of the tree house nobody knew what we were doing. There was no need to hide my feelings anymore. "You know why I don't want anybody to see it",

"Doug, he's my father. He knows what you mean to me. He would never even lay a finger on you!"

"Today I heard a rumour that this guy from last week didn't ran away… they killed him", I gulped again and winded my fingers in his.

"Just rumours, Doug. Just rumours", He murmured and wrapped his arms around me. "This is too bad. My father would never do that… well… I would not put him past it, but… Doug, don't worry about it, alright?"

"Gosh, Danny. I can't be so careless like you are", I shook my head and laid back thoughtfully.

"You know I'm not", He whispered, as his hands slipped under my shirt, making me relax. His lips let me forget so easily. I never thought I would ever feel this way, but now I did. I loved him to death. In the seconds, when we were so close, I thought I would do everything he asked me to.

Even go and fuck him on the great market place in front of all of them. Not caring about their gossiping. He belonged to him. And there was no doubt about it.

Danny really tried his best to let me be as long as other people were around. That's when I started to play with him. We made a game to send us secretly signs of love.

I loved the rush of adrenalin, when he grabbed my butt in a crowd of pupils, or when he wrote me dirty sms during the lesson. Somewhere my brain still knew it was dangerous to do it, but I was tired of the hiding thing.

Everything came to its top as we were on the prom of our school and danced in our drunkenness. It was obvious for everybody, we were together. Just hetero couples danced like this. But it felt good to sway in his arms, his lips on my neck, as his fingers wandered up and down my back.

For some reasons it felt even better, cause everybody could see it.

In sweet dizziness we stumbled home, arm in arm, kissing and definitely not caring. In our tree house we dreamed of a land, where nobody gave a damn about our love. Where it was normal to be this way. A land full of gay people and we would have orgies with them.

We were laying on each other, just reached our second climax, as he collapsed on my sweaty corpse.

"I love you, Doug. I love you more than anything", He murmured into my ear as he freed my face from the sticky hair. "I don't care about anything but you… The whole world can crush as long as you're by my side",

"Is this the moment, when I have to reply your cheesy chitchat?" I smirked and kissed him.

"I know you don't like to talk about your feelings. It's alright", He responded affectionately and laid down beside me to not burden me with his weight. Immediately I pulled him against me, so we laid intricate in each other.

"You know I love you, too", I whispered almost inaudible.

"Shsh, Doug. Somebody could hear us", He teased me grinning. "Maybe they're out there and watched us making love all along",

Just the vision of it made me grab him tighter.

"Don't make fun of it", I aspirated.

"Doug… my Dougie- Doug. You think we dream of this place? Where no one cares who and what we are? Don't you think it's really existing?"

"Well… maybe", I murmured into his shoulder.

"I know somewhere there is. Doug… I want to go to this place! You come with me??" First I didn't take him serious, but as I looked into his eyes, I shrieked back.

"Danny…" Pictures flew through my mind. Again I felt the fear making me tremble. To live without my parents, my cat and my house was almost impossible for me. I loved this town. Moving anywhere else made me scared.

But it would be with Danny.

"Come on, Doug… We pack our things and move somewhere better. Just you and me. I don't need anybody else than you…" He caressed my cheek as he smiled at me. "You and me, Doug. Let's run away",

As he painted pictures in my mind of a life without any kind of secrets, I got into the idea. It would have been so nice. And at least I would have had him. I knew in time we would quite this freaky place. There was no future for us here, but I knew my future would include him.

Cause I belonged to him.

--

It was our day. We had planned for our leaving for about two weeks and already didn't care about people watching us. I should have known, but I ignored it totally.

I just enjoyed being with him. My everything.

The day of the turn-around started nicely. I awoke beside Danny and made love with him. It was the rightest thing to do. As he took a shower and I ate my breakfast, my mum suddenly took me aside and looked deep into my eyes, as she whispered: "Dougie. I don't want him here anymore. He can't come here anymore",

I opened my mouth in surprise: "What… why?"

"Dougie. They could come to burn our house or take you away. I don't want them to get you. I don't know when you got so careless, but stop the whole thing, before it's too late", I gulped and wanted to respond, but she pulled away and fleed to feed my cat.

As Danny returned, the bad feeling in my stomach disappeared and I felt good again. We would leave anyway. There was no need to care about it anymore. The thought of it made me kiss him abruptly.

"Hey, hush, tiger! You already had your portion of sex today", He grinned and sucked on my neck.

"I'll never get enough of you", I whispered cheeky. "Come, let's go one last time to school…"

"Times goes by… so slowly… for those who wait", Laughing we went our way. Time flew by and before I could realise it, we left the building. "Alright, my love. We will meet again in two hours, when I have my things", He kissed me in front of all the pupils.

"I can't wait for it…" I murmured and enjoyed his smooth lips.

"We'll be free… there's nothing left that's against us. Just you and me", He responded and pulled me nearer. "We'll get the car of your dad and be off. Forever. Where nobody holds us down…"

"Go, Danny, go. I want to leave this town as soon as possible", He grinned widely.

"I'll be back before you miss me", I kissed him one last time, held his hand as long as possible and watched him run away.

The time went by but Danny didn't arrive. Three hours passed, still there was no sign though I had sent him several sms and tried to call him.

After four hours I decided, it was enough and jumped from my bed to look for him. But as I tried to open the door, I failed. It was locked.

What the fuck was happening?

"MUM! DAD! My door is locked!" I screamed for about ten minutes, before I heard my mother crying. Suddenly my father got up the steps: "Shut it up, Dougie and go to sleep!"

"But Dad! I need to go to Danny!"

"You don't need to do anything. You'll stay here until I know what we will do with you", My heart stopped beating for a long moment. What happened? Did they want to arrest me? Had my parents saved me from Danny's father?

Oh my god. What had I done? What had I DONE?

Within seconds I realised that the consequences had reached me. Everything went wrong. Where was Danny? I needed to flee with him! Right now. We had to go, before they could get and arrest me for the next years.

I would never be able again to get a proper job. Oh my god.

What had I done??

Indeed I stopped yelling and did something I never did for about five years: I cried myself to sleep. I knew the following day would be hard. But at this moment I had no idea how bad.

I had no idea.

I awoke as my dad unlocked my door. Within seconds he was at my wardrobe, while my mother brought the big suitcase.

Still half asleep I got up and asked confused: "What… what are you doing?"

"You have to go, son. You have to leave as soon as possible before they get you", My mum was still crying as she packed my things. My father helped me – like I was a little child – out of my clothes into others. Big clothes from him. He finished with giving me a cap.

My head stopped to think about a good explanation for their actions.

"Who gets me? Dad, what? WHAT?" I yelled as he gave me a pair of dirty shoes. He stopped and seemed to fight with himself. My mum was still crying silent tears, as she closed my suitcase.

Suddenly dad took me at the shoulders and looked into my eyes: "Listen carefully, son. And don't ask. Don't say anything. Your life depends on it",

"My life?" I winced in disbelief.

"You have to leave the country. I ordered us tickets to Austria. You will live with your uncle there, finish school and never return here again, if you don't want to share the same fate as Danny did",

A bell rang in my ears as he mentioned the name of the most important person in my life. "I don't know how you could be so blind and careless, but it's all your fault what happened. You knew there would be consequences, don't act now like you're surprised or what!!"

I didn't care he shook me so hard, my head was spinning.

"Danny… Danny? What happened to Danny?" I stuttered. My mum let out a small sob, as my father covered his face with his hand.

"You know so exactly what happened… did you really think Danny's father would stop in front of his own son, if he was against his principles?"

Stop? Principles? Pictures of Danny's father bullying a gay boy until he was ready for the hospital crossed my mind. But he would never do this to his own blood? Would he? Would he!?

"Dad… dad! Just tell me he's alright", I pressed under tears of sorrow and grabbed him myself at the shoulders, as he wanted to turn away. The tears in his eyes made my knees weak. I was almost about to freak out.

My father was shortly stunned by my strong emotions. No wonder - I had never been a person to show it, but now I couldn't hold it back. The visions made me freak out.

"He's not, Doug. He's not and it's your fault. Why have you been so headless. Why?!" I didn't protest when he pulled me into a taxi to drive to the airport.

Was Danny arrested? Did they hurt him? Did his father send him to another country, too? What happened, what??

I got my voice back, as my mum gave me my tickets.

"Mum… will he be alright?" She looked at me with glistening eyes and lips, as she caressed my cheek.

"My son… my lovely, innocent son. You two didn't know better. It was not right, you were so young… he was so young, oh my god", She turned away as she started to cry again.

"Be brave, darling. I'll be back in two days, when I know everything's alright. Move to your mum in the meanwhile", My dad whispered to her, before he took her back to the taxi.

- He _was_ so young - ?

Who was? Danny was? Danny was so young? Why 'was'? Danny… Danny!!

My body started to shake uncontrollable. I wanted to destroy anything, but couldn't move. Something really bad had happened. And it did had happened to Danny. My Danny.

My head remembered the rumour about the gay guy, who've been murdered. The words from my dad crossed my mind. Everything made sense, but my very being protested against it.

Danny couldn't be dead.

He was my everything. He wanted to leave with me. We wanted to live together. Forever. Just he and me.

There was no without him. No without his kisses, his laughing, his very character. I needed so much of him. Every day. We just started to get together. We had so many things left to experience.

I realised we were in the plane, when we were already flying high in the sky. My dad beside me was thinking intensely. Maybe he was planning my further future.

Without my family. Without my cat, my friends, my lover.

DANNY!

I looked out of the window to the clouds. Danny was here? In heaven with all the other **angels**? My fantasy played tricks on me as I saw him there on one cloud, looking and singing to me:

"_Please remember__ me  
But not with tears...  
Remember I was always true  
Remember that I always tried  
Remember I loved only you  
**Remember me and smile...  
For it's better to forget  
Than to remember me and cry…"**_

Danny was still here. Soon I would awake from this nightmare and he would lay beside me to comfort me. I could see his smile in front of my eyes. His white teeth, the freckles and the shining, blue eyes.

There was no possibility that Danny had been killed by his own father. After years of humiliation by his own family. After years of holding back our emotions for each other. Life just had started for him. For _us_. Together.

I could live without my family and my friends. But not without him. He was my love. My everything, my home. If not to him, where else did I belong now?

The End

* * *

A/N: I can't believe, I killed him... oh god, I love Danny so much. Why do I always kill him (is my second) He's too cute to stay alive lol - I did a sequel to this, showing dougie's life in the new country and maybe new life. Who wants to read? ;)


End file.
